suicide and us

 I watched “To save a life” for the second time and cried again but I’m determined to be brave so I watch it again. I must confess that it’s one of the heart wrenching stories I completely enjoy. Anyways it’s been over a month since I wrote my last article and trust me when I say I have been completely busy. There so much school work and so much books and so much to do and read. Made a whole lot of friends since the last time and in so many ways I’m not the same. I’ve already done some outrageous things I doubt I’ll ever forget and I swear I don’t regret them.

         Suicide is such a strong word. And it gets me anytime I see stories on it.  I must confess I am a lot weaker than I appear to be. So the idea of death scares the hell out of me. And the idea of suicide is even scarier. I used to wonder why but it took me an experience to understand.  There are so many reasons to commit suicide and there are so many reasons not to. In more ways than we know we are all equal. We all have feelings emotions and challenges and there’s the problem of insecurities, responsibility and choices

And sometimes we make some choices that cause everything to fall apart and we don’t want the pain anymore. We don’t want the blame. And dying is like the only way out. Now talk about being a coward. A wise man once said and I quote;

               “Dying is easy, have the courage to live”

I love everyone around me being completely happy because I know how sadness feels. It’s like an empty feeling in my tummy, only nothing can fill it. Sometimes I cry in hopes that it will go away but it just hurts even more. Other times I cry but there are no tears. I just have this feeling that everything would go wrong and then there was the absence of self-respect and low self-esteem. There used to be times when I would hold on to every minute of laughter because for no reason at all I just get sad. But that was then. My story is one I enjoy telling cause now I laugh too much I hardly have time to be sad except now. Cause all the emotions are back.

Everyone tells you they understand or tell you to take it a day at a time. They just don’t know how it hurts. The guilt, anger, sadness and pain are all mixed together and like venom are eating your inside and at a point, you consider yourself a walking corpse. I always felt alone and thought no one understood what I felt or how much pain and sadness I have seen. But the truth is that nothing is new under the sun. Whatever you think you’ve been through, I want you to know that there are others who have seen worse

    My pastor loved to tell us a joke about a man who went to the forest to commit suicide but then a naked man caught him and asked for his clothes before he died. That was what saved that man. The understanding that there were other situations worse than his could ever be. There was a time I considered myself strange because of the things I thought because I felt that no one else did that. Then one day I got talking with a very good friend of mine and I realized how wrong I was and it changed my perspective on life.

 What you don’t know is what has the capacity to kill you. I want you to understand that there is nothing bad enough to make you want to kill yourself. That all depends on you, whatever your reason, it is not enough to want you to kill yourself.  What could you probably justify as your reason.

 Don’t say its loneliness cause you could get a friend. I used to believe that I was unloved and even wrote many songs about it, but it changed when I realized that if felt unloved it was my fault. There is no way you could ever be unloved except you are not lovable.

Even peer pressure or bullying is never a reason for a suicide mission. I watched cyber bully about 2-3 months ago and I was touched at the brutality of the human mind. We sometimes do or say things we not necessarily mean and then we can’t take it back or we don’t even realize how badly it hurts. Hearing lies being said about you to your face must be heartbreaking especially if it damages your good image and you can’t do anything about it. Yet it is no reason to feel yourself with constant self-pity and threaten to kill yourself with a goodbye message in hopes that the truth will be seen by your act. You want to believe that you are a martyr. NO it doesn’t work that way. It just makes you seem weak and crazy. You are just so afraid to face all the lies and you choose to run. Family problems and you chose to die simply because e you are afraid of facing them. Constant threats are not even a reason because you have to remember that change is the only thing constant. Even if you chose to stay the way you are, change will change you. You could never be on a spot forever. You have to take a step. Forward or backward it’s you choice