finding my first love

       His love for me has always been as sweet as honey and as beautiful as a daisy. I wake up each day knowing that I am so loved and I have to wonder how lucky I am. His love is something I can’t explain and i am so full of it yet it refuses to end. It’s more than a tingling in my bones and it causes more than a blush on my cheekbones. It sends a vibration through me. This love is one I've known since my first breath. I've known it for so long and yet cannot comprehend its depth or its meaning. This is the story of my first love... He is my one and only. He gave me all of him which was more than I could ask because he is without end. He is eternity and all. All he asked of me was for me to give him all of me. As an innocent child, it was no big deal because my love for him was limitless and full of life. I was ready to give him all that is mine.my love for him was selfless because I had no obligations or entitlement. I had no responsibilities and my heart was free. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I grew up. I gained the wisdom of the world and lost interest in his teaching. I was given responsibilities that fill me day and night. I did things i claimed to be of importance. I've seen vain and craved for it. Now I've tasted the sweet wine of temptation. Now I have things to feel my day and night. And I still want his love. I want to feel his arm upon me and know that am safe. I want to wake each day filled with the peace he gives. I know it’s selfish and greedy but I want all of him and all he can give me at no cost. But yet he still asks his same old question. Will you give me all? Will you be my love? Now I have no time to love him the way I used to. No time to give him my all. I want something’s to remain unchanged but then there is a friction in our love. His love seems not as honey or as a daisy but as possessive as a jealous lover and as painful as a jilted ex-husband.

      While I was young, I wanted all that he could give me. We used to be so close and our connection was strong but now I feel so far from. I feel like I've lost a part of me and I feel his love gazing at me, still I cannot accept it. So I cover my sadness and emptiness with all the world has to offer. But this space in my heart expands with each passing day.

       Now I reflect on my life. My history and story lacks value and person. I am not as I planned. During my journey, I had dropped my vision and I've lost touch of my mission. I have forgotten my promise to my betrothed. All in a bid to gain acceptance and love from the things which I only see and yet I knew it is temporary. I am lost deep in the jungle of the world with no direction or compass. NOW I WANT MY LOVE BACK. I WANT IT ALL. I want that peace that he gave. I want to take back that which is mine. I want to wake up singing his love. I want to taste his wisdom on my lips. I want to feel him all over me. He alone is my compass in confusion, the rhythm of my song, the beat of my heart.  He is my soul and my song, my light in this darkness.  And only through him shall I escape. So I cry to him. I call for my first love. The love that set me on fire as a child and drove me insane with peace so beautiful I can’t explain. I see his light on a narrow path and I am assured of no harm even in the wilderness of despair.

    I run into my love’s open arms and I feel him once more. More than I imagined. Can’t believe he still loves. And now he loves me even more. I will jump and shout at the top of my voice, for I am not ashamed of who I am or who my lover is. Because with him I am more than I hope to be. Love you Jesus